Forever Heartbroken
by xfasciXnationx
Summary: Harry and Draco were but they're not anymore all because of a certain mark... In the depths of depression Harry blames everything, mainly himself. This is kind of a sequel to 'Forever Unspoken', the situation from Harry's pov. Slash, Malfoy bashing


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Title: Forever Heartbroken  
Author: xfasciXnationx  
Rating: R  
Fandom: Harry Potter  
Pairing: Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy  
Genre: Angst  
Archiving: ff.net. Want? Please ask.  
Feedback: If you feel I'm worthy of some praise, bad enough I need some advice or made you mad enough to flame me; don't hesitate I love the attention. ;)  
Synopsis: Harry and Draco were but they're not anymore all because of a certain mark... In the depths of depression Harry blames everything, mainly himself.  
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters etc, JKR does. I just steal them, force them to do wicked things to keep me entertained, then lock them back safely in their books. Don't make any money, have nothing of worth except for some HP merchandise, which I will never give up! The lyrics are copyright Stabbing Westward - they inspired this.  
Spoilers: None, none at all.  
Warning: Contains slash. This is a male loving another male and liking it. You don't like it- don't read it. It's really for the best. Contains cussing and Malfoy bashing.  
Authors Notes: This is kind of a sequel to _'Forever Unspoken',_ this is just the situation from Harry's pov. It is advisable to have read the other story but not absolutely necessary. Thanks to readers, reviewers and silent admirers; Stabbing Westward for providing endless angstish lyrics for me; and those that listen to me whine about random things. *g*  
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Forever Heartbroken - Written by xfasciXnationx 

_I tried so hard to hate you  
But it only made things worse  
I only end up hating myself  
And as my hatred grows  
So do the lies  
It's hard to face the truth sometimes  
  
God I feel so useless  
God I hate myself  
When I try to get over you  
I hate myself  
Will I ever get over you?_  
Sometimes It Hurts - Stabbing Westward (Darkest Days '98)  
  
Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.  
How could I have been so stupid? Why did I ever trust you? Give you a second chance? Maybe everyone was right when they said I was mad. Insane to trust a Malfoy, especially you after all the things that transpired over the years.  
  
I couldn't say no to you when you asked me, you apologised, said you were sorry for all the things you'd said and done. You were so regretful, so sincere I trusted you, saw something that wasn't there, more to you on the inside. It was always your eyes I looked to for the truth. They showed emotion when everything else was devoid. Your face a cold hard mask, all emotions barricaded in a fortress, hidden from the world, but your eyes hold the faint sparkle of human emotion flickering there briefly before you slam down the cold steel shutters over them as well - unless you think nobody is watching. I was always watching.  
  
I can't believe I love you still. Even after everything I can't stop loving you. It's all my fault really. I should have stopped you somehow, should have known something was wrong long before I did. I could have saved you from you father, from yourself.  
  
God, Draco, how could you hide that from me for so long? How? I never thought, I mean I used to all the time, but not since.. not since we became friends. Not since I started to discover the real you - or what I thought was the real you… I can't have been so wrong can I? I never noticed it, all those times we were together… cuddling close, kidding around… making love. Oh god all the times we made love and I didn't see it. I suppose love can really make you blind… that's just stupid. You found a way to hide it, you had to have. Somehow… but how?  
  
More than how I wish I knew why you did it. To receive the mark…_ that_ mark, the one that embodies everything I've spent my entire life fighting against - and to see it on the one I love. And you couldn't even tell me yourself, couldn't tell me why. That's what haunts me the most. Do you think so lowly of me that you couldn't tell me… didn't I make it clear enough to you that I'd love you no matter what happened, not matter what. I wish I didn't love you, it would be so much easier. No pain, no pain. I wouldn't feel the betrayal so deeply embedded within my heart, like a sharp poisoned knife slowly ebbing away my resolve, my life. I know it's my fault. Somehow it's my fault. I know it is, just as all the other terrible things that happen to those around me, those that dare to love me. So many of them end up dead. I shouldn't have done this to you, Draco. You were already a tainted angel struggling to stay out of tarnishing clutches. I should have pushed you in the other direction away from me, away from all that I cause to befall on those that love me. I knew deep within that they cycle would continue with you, that I couldn't stop it… but I was selfish. I wanted love, I craved it so desperately that when you kissed me I returned the hunger, the need I felt within you.  
  
There's that Muggle saying the adults are so fond of using: Two wrongs don't make a right. If only they truly understood what it means, what it can mean. Draco, you and me, we're two wrongs and nothing could have ever made us right. No matter how much either of us wanted it to be. Hopes and dreams no matter how vivid will never turn into reality just because we want them to, they will forever remain fragile illusions that people like me cling to. People like me will cling to the shattered pieces crying salty tears of desperation so that we don't have to face reality.  
  
I was supposed to be there for you, take care of you, and make sure that you were safe. I'm the boy who fucking lived, that's what they say, if only they knew. I've wondered countless times what they'd say if they found out I'm the boy who should have died. If I'd just died that night none of this would have happened.  
  
I bound you to me, tied together by desperation. I brought you down, tied the weights to your legs and threw you into the deep end. I never gave you a thought, I was so selfish. It was all about me, what I wanted and needed. I never thought what it might do to you - to make me strong again, for me to be able to face another day your grace was shortened by a day.  
  
I'm worse than you ever were Draco. You'll never know it, but it's true. A truth that I'll have to live with for the rest of my miserable existence. I can't even call what I have a life. A life entails actually living, breathing and enjoying the things on offer - I can't do that. Never could. I don't deserve a life.  
  
I really tried to hate you at first. I sought the familiar rivalry, so comforting that I could believe that you were the bastard I always thought you were. I managed to fall back into the pattern for awhile, not for very long though - not long enough at all. Too soon my delusions began to show signs of cracking, the truth leaking through like the blinding sunlight come when you first wake up. It was shocking, it was painful - I tried to hide from it. I couldn't. Each lie I told myself faded quickly to be replaced with another from the boundless supply my mind had provided for my heart.  
  
I told myself you never loved me, that you were using me. This is was your plan all along to betray me. I talked myself into believing that you were the horrible person, a sneering cold-hearted Dark Wizard, and I, I was the innocent victim of your cruel plot of destruction. I didn't want to face the truth, it hurt too much. It hurt in a way nothing else has before, like I was twisting a knife that was deeply embedded within my heart -piercing my soul, shredding what remained of it; and the knife it was my own, I had plunged it there myself.  
  
I have given up the lies now, I know that everything was my fault. That I should not hate you for my own mistakes, but must focus my hate where it belongs - on myself. I hope that you hate me too for what I've done to you, to us, what I've done to the world. You can't possibly still love me, I wish you did I want another chance, maybe if I could somehow fix what I destroyed… It's no use trying. I'd only fail you again, probably end up making everything worse. It's really best if I just stay here where I can't hurt anybody else with my foolish actions and misconceptions.  
  
Draco, I miss you so. 

-----End. 


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